ATD: Help! My Family is Sabotaging My Diet Efforts.

Question:

Over the last year, I have lost close to 25 pounds following “You on a Diet” guidelines.  My question is this:  family and friends seem to want to reverse this positive trend by trying to trip me up at family parties.  I find my eating and dinner plates are closely monitored by a few family members (my in laws) and they comment on my selections in a nasty way–as in “what, only 1/2 a beef on roll sandwich?  That’s a lot of veggies–are you on a diet?”  But it draws angry and negative attention to me.  If I skip dessert, which I do, I get “Oh, someone doesn’t want to be as fat and round as the rest of us.”  They have even told me not to exercise as much–to not “over do it” when I was telling others that I had just run (to finish) my first 5 K.  I feel so angry back at them and hate to see them now and that will impact my marriage.  What do I say back to them?  How do I change this dynamic.  I feel so angry toward them all the time now and their angry comments circle around in my head.  Amy

Answer:

Dear Amy,

Congratulations on such a tremendous weight loss accomplishment. That you achieved this by eating healthy and improving your diet and exercise routine, rather than trying for a quick and easy fix, is quite impressive . It sounds like you have developed quite a healthy lifestyle through dedication and determination and you should be proud!

What your relatives are saying to you could be coming from a feeling of guilt on their part. They see you eating healthy portions, resisting tempting desserts and making enormous strides on the exercise front. People know it is wise to eat like you do, but they often do not have the self-control to do so. Try to see this from their point of view. They are not saying anything that is nasty to you, but that is your interpretation. Maybe they wish they could do what you do. Maybe they do not want to be fat and round. Perhaps they know they are in no shape to run a 5K and their comments about “taking it easy” is what they believe they would have to do.

It does help to have comments ready, and to do this you need to prepare yourself with a proper mindset. You have done nothing wrong and should not feel like you have… however, your perception depends only on YOU. Decide before you go to one of these events that you will not get upset and take things said about your diet as an insult, but instead as a compliment. Then respond to them as if you had been given a compliment: “Yes, half a sandwich is really all I need to eat: Thanks for noticing that I’ve learned to control my portion sizes  in order to lose the weight I have lost!” “Yes, I do eat a lot of vegetables: I learned that they are high in fiber and vitamins and they make me feel like I am treating my body so well,” “Yes, it certainly takes a lot of forethought and determination to be able to skip a sumptuous dessert: but I have achieved that goal in order to maintain a weight I am comfortable at–thank you so much for noticing!” “Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I was unhappy at the weight I was. That’s why I took measures to lose 25 pounds–thank you for noticing my new figure!” and finally “Running a 5K is not something I just woke up and did one day. I appreciate your concern but it is something I worked up to over time and I am in great shape now to finish the race!”

Speak up and speak proudly about your accomplishments. The fact that your in-laws are not congratulating you and proud of you is unfortunate: something perhaps your husband can acknowledge to them privately. He should be proud of you and I hope he is making positive comments to you and on your behalf to his family. Until then, you will have to take on the role of acknowledging the progress you’ve made. The easiest way to do this is to thank your in-laws for pointing out your admirable new behaviors as modestly as you can!

I would love to hear how your next visit goes!!

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Written by Laurie Beebe

About The Author: Laurie Beebe has been a registered dietitian for 25 years and is certified in adult weight management. Laurie currently serves as a diet coach and life coach at www.mycoachlaurie.com

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